Lesson One: Not Being an Asshole.

Every day I have messages on my work phone.
Some days I leave messages on other people's phones.

Generally, and pull me up if I'm wrong, but messages are left with the view to have the message recipient return your call. For some reason some people like to leave messages that aren't particularly conducive to a return call.

There seems to be a few different species of Messsage Leavers however they can be broken down into two categories.

1) Asshole
2) Not an Asshole.

A few examples of Category 1 individuals include:

Numero Rapidio: This is the man/woman who had their lips filled with amphetamines rather than botox. Often pompous, marketing or corporate types. Their distinguishing feature is their ability to recite their phone number faster than the receiver in their phone samples the sound. Often the entire message is garbled. These people seem to take pleasure in converting paragraphs to monosyllabic words.

Example: "JeremyBrianhereGimmeacallbackwhenyougetthismessage.ohfortoowonsixate..." My ears uaually melt around that stage.. so i never get a full pohone number.

Succinitus Deludi Importite: This is the individual who has delusions of granduer. The type of person who squashes ants and laughs. No... The type of person who puts their finger over an anthole, then gets surprised and annoyed once bitten then pours their drink down the hole. They are empty hollow people who fill their hollow souls with words like "exclusive" or "expensive" or "repressed sexuality". They feel everyone should bow subserviently before them. Or maybe sacrifice their first born in his/her name. They leave messages with no context. It drives me fucking insane.

Example: "Brian Jones. 0hfoursixeightninetwoeightoneonethree"

My question to you Brian is what do you want.
I have an urge, a job-killing urge to call up and say "Brian, you filthy prick. Bow before me and chew on my stiletto. You are a scumbag who deserves a whipping from this here ladyboy." Once this is received with bewilderment and dismay, I'll apologise, stating as I wasn't sure of the nature of his call, i thought it may be regarding one of his post curricula activities.

I hate rude people. No... strike that, I hate unfoundedly rude people.

As for people who fall into the "Not an Asshole" category. They're ok.

Yes, I'm ranting. It's Friday.

* No, I don't know scientific names or latin.
* Don't call the numbers I used in this post, my mum will be pissed if she gets any calls. Kidding.
Call and see who answers... That would be exciting. I don't endorse doing that though.