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Hello All.
Blog's dead!
Well not dead, it's still going to be here, but now all my stuff is on this magical wonderous page:

NEW BLOG NEW BLOG NEW BLOG!!!!!

yep... It's heaps more exciting than this ol' junk...
It has pictures too!!

My Bubblewrap Helmet

The Only Constructive Thing I Have Done Today Is:

Make a helmet from bubblewrap.
It looks like this but more 3D:

Things I can use this for:
1) Stopping the police from detecting my Thought Crimes.
2) Headbutting animals that fly at me. Especially ones with sharp beaks. "You shall not harm me, sharp-beaked-flying animals!!"
3) Floating. Possibly as a disguise for floating into restricted waters where people will be all "Ewww, look at that polluted water, there's a big bit of bubblewrap in that dirty restricted area water. Yuck." Little do they know the bubblewrap is armed to the teeth and has a bone to pick with society.
4) Capture bugs and give them their own personal ecosystem inside a little bio-dome. They can all live in bubble-environs as a part of the giant community that is my helmet. It will be an experiment of sorts. A step towards a dystopian future.... Which i can wear!!!! Finally, fashionable science experiments!

I might just wear it for fun though. People react strangely when you cover your head in protective plastic packaging. The growling at them and drooling probably doesn't help my cause.
At least I'll get a seat to myself on the train.

I also need to name my helmet, but can't think of anything good....
I've come up with
Pop
Bubba
Intermittently Oxygen Inflated Polymer Packaging Cranium Protection Device
MichaelJackson's-Monkey Wrap Helmet
Hat

I also sold my car todaay. I guess that's constructive.

Overheard Conversation Of The Day. For Yesterday

I had a particularly needy client on the phone yesterday. Well, he'd called in to talk to me. I had him on hold for a second and when I went to take him off he was clearly involved in an important conversation with someone in his workplace on the topic of who the hell knows what. This is what I heard:

'What? No. There's a bloke that talks about rhinos. Oh Jeremy, hi."

Umm. What?

This guy likes to book meetings for no apparent reason and then come in and waste everyone's time. He brought in 3 of his colleagues for a meeting which was completely unnecessary, so I attempted to curb this enthusiasm by holding the meeting in the doorway of the office. I didn't offer anyone a chair, so we stood in the doorway and talked for five minutes before they felt awkward and left.
I thought this may have disheartened this guy adequately.
But no.
Unfortunately my Poor Meeting Skills display didn't deter this guy and he has organised a meeting for November. When I asked him what for he said he wasn't sure but he's bringing someone else in with him. Brilliant. Let's come in and talk about stuff. Perhaps you can bring the bloke that talks about rhinos and we can discuss endangered species and the effects of deforestation.
Or maybe I could really charm them with a brief presentation on my interest in babies and necrophilia.
Sure to win their hearts and minds.

The Best Movie In The World.

I am a genius.
I conceived this wonderful idea for a movie. Everything from here down is certified gold.

Title: Jane, Michael and Other People.

Overview:
A heart warming tale of love,. loss, triumph, despair, interferometry and the Heimlich manouver. A story laced with so much warmth and humour, you'll want to start a knife-fight with your grandmother. Twice. Hard.

Synopsis:

-- Spoiler Warning!!--

The story of two lost souls and a talking horse named Roy, brought together by an inexcplicable love of breakfast cereals and a penchant for Uno. Jane and Michael fall in love, are driven from their home town by a secret society bent on revenge and are forced to take shelter in an orphanage run by pirates.
After the realisation that the recently vanished Roy is being used as the glue in paper mache during Activity Time and after enduring much suffering at the hands of Captain Glockenspiel and his mateys, the pair set off and become the first couple to reach the Antarctic on a raft made of prawn crackers.
It is here that Michael meets his conjoined twin Phil who up until now, Michael had beleived was a large birthmark. The three of them then conspire to dethrone the evil ice queen Oprah and recruit an army of penguins who overthrow their oppressor and reclaim the Antarctic Tundras as their own.
Jane is then cut down by the news that her only living goldfish has died and she realises she must return to her choldhood home to retrieve the secret code hidden within Splashy's stomach lining before the vengeful secret society uncover it and destroy the Pyramids.
On a plane laden with reptiles, they begin their venture back to their home but are unwillingly thrown into the middle of a warzone where against all orders they destroy the last remaining German U-boat and save the world from an impending nuclear holocaust.
Upon arriving back in their hometown, they are told by a blind man that Splashy has been sent to the 'Big Lake In the Sky' and is currently working as a secret double agent for God and Vishnu.
Using the Sceptre of Incontinence that his Grandfather had passed down to him, Michael summons Splashy for a climactic final battle against their arch nemesis Captain Glockenspiel whom they have discovered is hiding out in a disused barn by the bayou. The balance of good and evil is restored as Splashy defeats the pirates and sends them back to Fiji.
Splashy then begrudgingly returns to his perilous life as a double agent as Jane and Michael decided to get Phil 'put down' as his poor hygiene was beginning to make Michael and Jane unpopular with the members of their book club.
After Phil has been removed and interred, Jane and Michael decide to celebrate by trying to create a family in numerous ways.
After a period of nine months (which is represented in a 25 second montage), the couple are overjoyed by their arrival of their new baby boy, however Michael notices a strange birthmark on his new born son's forehead.
Michael tries to play down his intuition but he can't help thinking the birthmark on Herbert's forehead bears a striking resemblance to....
A lightning bolt!!!!


(See what i did with that pun there- striking resemblance- a ha ha ha... err....I'm so lame, I need a walking frame.)

Updates!!
Tim Robbins has purchased the rights to this already.
Splashy is to be played by Steven Seagal.
Nicole Ritchie is to make a cameo appearance as a diseased stick.

In the name of bad taste

Ok, this is kinda lame. It's a collision of both my poor paintbrush skills and my poor taste.


And i just want to say I do feel sorry for his family and everything, it's just that the whole thing is slightly ironic.
I was going to say he lived by the sword, and died by the sword, but unfortunately in reality it was more of a 'Live by the sword, die by the soup spoon' type scenario.

Anyone who names thier own child after their two favourite pets probably deserves to be fatally stung by a generally harmless, non-agressive sea creature anyways.

What, that's a bit rough you say? Well at least all the crocodiles are laughing with me.

It's going to be a good day

Yep. A reeeeal good day.

1. I got a decent amount of sleep last night. I also watched alot of Black Books.
2. I remembered about my blog and decided to update it. I have been neglecting it. It was starting to display syptoms of separation anxiety, so rather than medicate my blog into apathy, I deceided I'd post some more rubbish on it. It responded by hugging me and calling me Dad again.
3. Trenton brought his skateboard to work, so we had an impromptu skate comp, where I tried (and failed) to land some kickflips, Trenton landed a few pop shovits and our CEO, bewildered by the developments in modern skateboarding, decided he would sweat it to the kids and pull a few 360's.
I am now very happy. This was most certainly a fun viewing experience.

Also, breaking news:
4) Someone is playing Bloc Party, which is definitely setting the mood for a Friday.

This is a vast improvement from yesterday when I thought:
Work is like one of those pet monkeys that you buy and think is good at the time, then you realise that monkeys carry disease and eat bananas which happen to be really expensive at the moment. They also have a penchant for throwing faeces, climbing on your furniture, transmitting AIDS and making horrible squealing noises. These all combine to form a shitful experience, both for you and most likely for the monkey, which because it can't verbalise emotions in a way you can comprehend, resorts instead to flinging it's stools in a very unenthusiastic and complacent manner.
Hence, the clear correlation between pet monkeys and my workplace, as of yesterday.
Don't ask me why, but today, the mood is more that of 'Butterfly Enclosure' but without the humidity. Or the plants or the...goddammit, you know what i mean.
Today, things are on the up.
If only there was some more sunshine I'd go skip in it.

Officially More Popular Than Jesus

I was looking at the web and came across something that disturbed me.
My blog name had been stolen, altered and used for religious purposes:
What Would Jesus Do?

I also found they had very little posting/comment action going on which has led me to the obvious conclusion that I am officially more popular than Jesus.

I think a Bible 2.0 is in order. Starring Jeremy.
The cover will look like this:


And these are the changes to the script:

-My 12 disciples would be called Mega Soldiers Of The Ultimate Order (or MSOTUO's) and they'd all have an action figure likeness distributed by Mattel.
-I wouldn't get crucified, maybe chocolafied instead... Thus making easter eggs more relevant and restoring balance to the Universe.
- Moses would part his hair rather than the red sea... He was a pretty unkempt looking fella, so I'd be helping him with his PR.
- There'd be an action movie, maybe even something a little film noir commissioned, NOT starring Mel Gibson. And the Romans would be vampires... Or Freemasons. Or Vampire Freemasons.
- I'd have glow in the dark hands and the ability to procure food for myself at will. Screw the masses.

Miracles would be heaps cooler these days too... I'm thinking disappearing Humvees or filling 5 taxis with 5000 people. Or turning cask wine into a bottle of Moet & Chandon.
I dunno.. I'm just bored.
But please pardon my blashpemy.
I'll write something more interesting later.

Lesson One: Not Being an Asshole.

Every day I have messages on my work phone.
Some days I leave messages on other people's phones.

Generally, and pull me up if I'm wrong, but messages are left with the view to have the message recipient return your call. For some reason some people like to leave messages that aren't particularly conducive to a return call.

There seems to be a few different species of Messsage Leavers however they can be broken down into two categories.

1) Asshole
2) Not an Asshole.

A few examples of Category 1 individuals include:

Numero Rapidio: This is the man/woman who had their lips filled with amphetamines rather than botox. Often pompous, marketing or corporate types. Their distinguishing feature is their ability to recite their phone number faster than the receiver in their phone samples the sound. Often the entire message is garbled. These people seem to take pleasure in converting paragraphs to monosyllabic words.

Example: "JeremyBrianhereGimmeacallbackwhenyougetthismessage.ohfortoowonsixate..." My ears uaually melt around that stage.. so i never get a full pohone number.

Succinitus Deludi Importite: This is the individual who has delusions of granduer. The type of person who squashes ants and laughs. No... The type of person who puts their finger over an anthole, then gets surprised and annoyed once bitten then pours their drink down the hole. They are empty hollow people who fill their hollow souls with words like "exclusive" or "expensive" or "repressed sexuality". They feel everyone should bow subserviently before them. Or maybe sacrifice their first born in his/her name. They leave messages with no context. It drives me fucking insane.

Example: "Brian Jones. 0hfoursixeightninetwoeightoneonethree"

My question to you Brian is what do you want.
I have an urge, a job-killing urge to call up and say "Brian, you filthy prick. Bow before me and chew on my stiletto. You are a scumbag who deserves a whipping from this here ladyboy." Once this is received with bewilderment and dismay, I'll apologise, stating as I wasn't sure of the nature of his call, i thought it may be regarding one of his post curricula activities.

I hate rude people. No... strike that, I hate unfoundedly rude people.

As for people who fall into the "Not an Asshole" category. They're ok.

Yes, I'm ranting. It's Friday.

* No, I don't know scientific names or latin.
* Don't call the numbers I used in this post, my mum will be pissed if she gets any calls. Kidding.
Call and see who answers... That would be exciting. I don't endorse doing that though.